Lines

These feelings of inadequacy refuse to leave

I coax them out of their den by promises of love to replace

I search through heaven and hell but I can't find 

they use the phrase 'when your life depends on it' and

my life depends on it

my life depends on it

among the depths of this I somehow come across

the thought that 'you can never stop living'

but the way this unease and anger consume me

how dare they cling to me so

they consume me and all I can think of to survive

is how in the end all of us are going to die

so the only thing stopping me from dying now than later

is my curiosity of how this life must feel like in the end

and then another saying comes to mind

'curiosity killed the cat'

'curiosity killed the cat'

it is just a rough day

i know

but looking around it not even drizzling for me

and look how others master entire typhoons

I must be the typhoon

my own little cyclone making the sailing rough

when the sea is as still as a pond

yet my sailing does not sustain

oh the shame of it all

this pathetic excuse of an existence

bringing no good use to anyone or anything

I still go on 

for the fear of worse worries when I wither

this internal self beating

why does it expect me to do everything perfectly

allowing others space to be human

how many times should I scream and shout

until it understands my humanity as well

it is immensely disappointed

this little demon is disappointed

perhaps more so because it knows something I don't 

it says I am capable

capable of doing much better than anyone

can't someone with flaws achieve the exact same things as I

what gives me an edge?

it appears the demon thinks its existence will drive me

its existence diminishes my flaws

but do I diminish my flaws or strengthen my strengths

in some way it convinces me I can do both

and so I continue this internal beating

but after traversing even my own heaven and hell

love is nowhere to be found

love is nowhere to be found

I rely then on this outside world

which reminds me instead of how unkind it is

but I somehow continue to think

it is not quite unkind when compared to me

what happens when I stop listening to this demon?

empty

empty, empty, empty

null, void, nada, iota

the demon is the motivation

oh this pitiful state of mine

but who else helps me other than me

how do i rely on anyone else to fight my demon

why would I subject another to fight this cruel thing?

after all heaven burns down

after all hell burns down

after I burn my entire being

every little cell of my body

a few words come to mind

screw it

screw it

this soul of mine

after rome burns down, is still just mine

all mine, all mine

after becoming one with those ashes

I blow away up and above

do what the heart says

I remain curious about anything and everything

but I stop giving a shit if it means anything to anyone

they ridicule this screw it attitude

they're right it's not necessary in this so called 'unkind' world

but don't expect to win over your unkind self

don't expect to win over my own self

and so I say screw it

to that little demon

you picked the wrong one to plague 

but now that you have come I am never letting you go

but then I stop

and I say

little demon, bring along your entire gang

bring the dictator of your coup

all of you come on and dare to stay

I'm unable to exist if I get familiar with one

I'm unable to exist if I don't call out for new challenges

call it sadistic and self sabotaging

the little demon made a big demon out of me

and this big demon sustains

and so I sustain

and so I live